so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
