I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You need a sexual gate keeper
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
