Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
