I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
