my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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