I think my vagina is haunted
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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