Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
