does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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