I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
