I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just blew my weed a kiss
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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