I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Randomize