He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
