i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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