how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
When are your genitals available?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
