I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize