I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
