he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
