Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
