just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
