i'm signing you up for texting rehab
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
