I think i sorta joined a cult last night
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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