***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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