nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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