There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
