He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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