I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
