I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
