Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
