Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Holy sore nipples Batman
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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