i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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