My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i drank out of a bidet.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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