i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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