Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
