did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
