But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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