Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize