he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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