i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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