Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i barfeds in our rink
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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