My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
