i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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