One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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