I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
