i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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