i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You smell like stripper and shame
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
