he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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