explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize