Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
