I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My friends, they love my intelligence
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
