I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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