Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
