she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
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