I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
