last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize