i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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