i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
