Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
