Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
