I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
