He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
