2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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